Older and Fearful

 Hi, this is maybe my first attempt to write after four years of vacuum. 

The last time I wrote something, I submitted a mini literature review to attend Goenawan Mohamad’s private class in 2017. I still can’t believe I passed, but when I re-read my writing today, I can’t believe I am the one who wrote it. It is so good, and I can say it was one of my best.

When I was young, I always thought that I’d be someone stronger, prettier, and know all the things I want to do in life someday. I was so wrong. When I grew older- I forgot when precisely-but since I’m in my 20s, things and life get scarier. 

I’m scared of wasting my time doing something meaningless and leaving my great potential unexplored.

I’m afraid if I choose the wrong direction and give my old self misery and self-pity with huge regret.

I’m envious of my friend getting something that I have been dreaming about for a long time.

I can’t ask for help from my family like other kids to their parents because they simply don’t have the resources. I have carried myself on since I was 5 years old. I carry myself on and provide all I need on my own.

What is a privilege? What is a family bound? Why are people always telling me to love and keep my precious people closer while I never experienced nor knew such things? Why do people expect me to do anything I have never understood ever since? To love something or someone without ever learning what love is and how love works. Silly.

I feel misfit. I think I don’t belong anywhere and live forever as a chameleon. Not a bad thing, but it will be nice to have someone similar to you to rely on.

Most of the time, people can't understand my choice. They shove their wants and needs to me, but I have to shout mine because anything I want seems different from society's standard. 

Just like song lyrics, life goes on and on and on.

My fear is my responsibility, but I don’t have the capacity to walk around instantly.

I hate this because it sounds cliche, but in some cases, time (together with experiences and many events) will answer everything.

I will overcome my fear and simply do anything I want to, like when I was younger.

My 26 yo ass